I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
