Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
