I accidentally burped into my bong.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
