Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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