Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
