Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
