i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
