Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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