my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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