Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think my fart just growled at me.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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