____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She said her name was "party"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
