Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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