YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
