I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize