Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
two words...techno handjob
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
