My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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