im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
