we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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