i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
