My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
