Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
