the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
