I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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