mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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