I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
