You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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