Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
