So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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