I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
