I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
