He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
