I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
