I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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