Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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