Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
