my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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