a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
