I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
