i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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