Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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