i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
