Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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