At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
