what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
