He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize