I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
