she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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