mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
