i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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