Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
