she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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