i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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