I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
