We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
