So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
