So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
