Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
