Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
