normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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