May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
