I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
